I am SO addicted to sex that I slept with my mum’s cleaning lady and need to clean up my act after having countless one-night stands
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Dear Deidre
I AM so addicted to sex that I’ve even slept with my mum’s cleaning lady – it is a major problem.I’m a 27-year-old guy and have had countless partners and one-night stands over the years. I didn’t even know the names of some women I have slept with.
Mum had already gone to work when she arrived for the day but I had a day off. She was obviously upset about something so I asked her if she’d like a cup of tea.
It turned out that she’d had a massive row with her husband and he’d stormed out. I listened and tried to cheer her up. As she got up to start work I reached over and held her hand.
I kissed her again and this time she didn’t complain. I suggested we go up to my room and she followed me.
We had the most amazing sex. She was a great lover but seemed embarrassed afterwards and got dressed in a hurry.
I know what I did was wrong. I am so ashamed of myself and assured her it wouldn’t happen again. I really do want to change as I hate the way I am behaving.
The last one was a sweet girl on my team who is always getting everyone coffees and things like that. Everyone loves her but I don’t want to have a relationship with her.
I know she is going to be upset so everyone will hate me for using her. I’m going to get such a terrible reputation. To me it feels like a drug problem.
I can’t seem to stop being so obsessed with sex.
At least you have realised you have a problem and want to change. Sex gives you – and all of us – a chemical high.
It has probably become addictive in your case because you are suffering from some sort of underlying depression which the buzz wards off.
DEIDRE SAYS: Maybe you grew up in a loveless home. Where is your dad, for example?
My e-leaflet Addicted To Sex? explains some practical self-help tactics and you can follow the free online Kick Start Recovery Programme (sexaddictionhelp.co.uk).
Take control of your life, too. Avoid situations which tend to lead to sex – and don’t hunt women for sex.
Build friendships with them which will lead to real relationships. Hold back on sex until you are with someone who really cares for you and you them.
You are taking risks with your sexual health, so make sure you get to your local genito-urinary medicine (Gum) clinic for a check up.
If you have any sort of infection, it’s only fair to tell all the women you have had sex with.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
VALENTINE’S Day is like a shared birthday when you have a
flourishing romance – but it can be a different story if your
relationship is in the doldrums. My e-leaflet Happy Valentine’s Day
explains how to make it memorable. Email problems@deardeidre.org for a copy.
My girlfriend's against having a family
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend has told me that she’s against marriage and having kids. We have been together for over a year and it hasn’t really come up before. I had no idea she felt like this.I’m 28 and my girlfriend is 26. She recently admitted she’d cheated on me with her colleague. I forgave her and I thought we had put it behind us, but then she dropped the family bombshell.
I really care about her and realise I am putting the conversation off. I’m scared of the outcome in case we end it. Valentine’s Day being almost here is putting me off talking to her even more.
DEIDRE SAYS: Clearly you really care about her so enjoy Valentine’s Day but then have another talk.
Ask her how serious she is that she doesn’t want marriage or children. Tell her it is important to you – enough so that there will be no relationship without the possibility.
If it’s a no, walk away and look for someone who wants the same as you.
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I can't call it off with the hot married doorfitter who has been ringing my bellI'm still shaken up over assault
Dear Deidre
I SHOOK and cried like a baby when my boyfriend and I made love. An ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me recently and it’s had a terrible impact on our sex life.My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I’m 26 and he is 31. We used to have a great sex life until my ex assaulted me after following me home.
We’ve attempted sex a couple of times but it didn’t go well. I feel awful knowing how badly this is hurting us.
With Valentine’s Day tomorrow I want to enjoy sex. I trust him implicitly but I’m not sure how to approach it.
DEIDRE SAYS: Have you had help to cope with the assault? Did you report it to the police? It was not your fault and it’s no surprise that you are traumatised.
Start by talking to Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 802 9999). To get back to enjoying sex it is crucial that you feel in control.
Agree a signal with your boyfriend that means you want to pause. Non-penetrative sex may be best to build intimacy for now.
Worried about brother's isolation
Dear Deidre
MY brother was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s.I’m a woman of 27, he’s 24. He has been isolated since he left school at 18 and doesn’t have any friends. My mum and I were optimistic when he got a diagnosis as we thought it might kick-start his life.
We’ve tried getting him to go out and participate in something but he doesn’t even tell us how he feels. He prefers texting us to speaking.
I want him to enjoy life and spend time with his niece.
DEIDRE SAYS: It can be hard to help someone on the autism spectrum but trying to pressure him will be counterproductive.
Try to build on interests he may have and help him find a club or group where he will feel at home.
For more help and support, contact the National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk, 0808 800 4104).
Son doesn't understand his brother's death
Dear Deidre
MY little boy constantly asks why everyone else has brothers and sisters.His brother was only a fortnight old when he died suddenly. My son was three at the time and we told him that his brother was now a star.
My son gets cross when his friends at school don’t believe him. He is five and I’m his 27-year-old mum. He asks me if he can have his brother back.
I think he may be grieving all over again or trying to process what has happened. I can usually make things right but I feel out of my depth with this. It’s heart-breaking.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is best to be honest about what happened. At your son’s age it’s hard to understand death is permanent and you may need to explain again.
Contact Sands, which is the Stillbirth & Neonatal Death Society, for advice and for the free booklet Supporting Children When A Baby Has Died (sands.org.uk, 020 7436 5881).
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
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