It's a difficult world out there, people. War, poverty,
brutality, corruption, social and racial injustice … these are not civil
times we live in. Which is why, more than ever, we NEED the comfort
and warmth that only life inside the Williams-Sonoma catalog can
provide. Follow me, America. Follow me inside these glossy pages,
where there is no anger. No violence. No internet commenters
explaining why YOUR SO STOOPID.
In here, there is nothing but endless kitchen countertops, and
meticulously arranged buffet spreads with pre-made bundt cakes (prep it a
day early, and your party is a snap!) that have been drizzled just so
with triple-butterscotch icing. There are fancy chocolates enrobed in
other fancy chocolates. There are WHIMSICAL TINS (yes, the
copy actually says that). There are thousands of newfangled cooking
tools and gadgets and devices that only a Greenwich, Conn., kitchen
could possibly have space to accommodate. There are dustings and
sprinklings and twee little bows, all perfectly arranged for your
perfect little evening of perfect holiday entertaining with your perfect
neighbor guests and your perfect children standing by the table in
their john-johns and singing gaily to you all as you pipe fresh, warm
cognac into each other's butts.
There is grace in this catalog. You are safe from the outside world
here. It's just you, your $685 Vitamix blender ("No waste and plenty of
extra fiber!"), and no possible way for city residents to access your
neighborhood via public transit. While the world burns outside, you
will be snug and secure with all your loved ones, talking about your
times at Princeton (I assume all of you went to Princeton), breathing in
the scents from a literal Dutch oven, and spooning out fresh cassoulet
from one of your MANY Le Creuset cooking dishes. Isn't life FABULOUS?!
Isn't Christmas just grand when you spent thousands of dollars and
hours upon hours of your free time making everything just so perfect, so
you can spend the rest of your time micromanaging your family into
oblivion, so that they are always within your maniacal control? I bet
this catalog is for people who freak out if a dog nuzzles against them.
Anyway, as a card-carrying white person, I have once again received this catalog in the mail. So as we did in
2012 and 2013,
let's go through it and point out some of the more ludicrous items to
be found. I'm sad to report that there are NO chicken coops on sale
this year. You'll have to source those elsewhere, amigo. But there IS
an Ina Garten cameo here! You knew there would be.
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